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==> Dave & Jade: shit. lets be santa

its time


Happy holidays! 

Command Line Jade: A,D,O,W?

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

she is not a cuddly person. do not make this mistake. she will probably kick you. sharing space on the bed is okay. lie down on your side and face her and hold her hand and touch her face while she breathes. that’s the closest she’s willing to get. she also really likes to take a nap after some good sex. snooze with her if you like but she won’t be offended if you want to shower first.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

bro, right now. also, she’s kind of freaked out by the concept of subspace but wants to try getting i n that headspace all the same.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

she is not into the idea of unhinging her jaw to try and deepthroat bro right now. not happening. i think she might also think it’s still kind of weird that bro actually wants to go down on her–like she thinks of it as a taboo or something. she’s still feeling out her boundaries when it comes to this because she really is inexperienced. also she thinks that’s the only way to give head, poor thing.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

jade wants to visit bro badly, and also wants hal put together by the time she visits, because she wants to lose her virginity to bro and also would really like to hook up with hal if he’s up to it. but she’s also scared she’ll just freeze up when she’s there, like she talks a big game but can’t walk the walk when it comes down to it. s he’s more than willing to play up the sexy bit of the inexperience for bro in chat, but she’s afraid that in person it’ll be decidedly less charming.

Knock Out! A, K, M, and T? :D


A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

nonverbal. there’s no wordy bravado here. there’s entirely body-language bravado and smug satisfaction, self or otherwise. the smirk is legendary. will sit there with his lazy smile and casually but deliberately overstimulate his partner and goad them into the next round, and the next

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

can robots do sounding? is that a thing they do? b ecause that’s close enough to medical to make me think knock out and close enough to taboo to make me think KNOCK OUT very loudly. this is also the kind of person who can make surgery erotic for the right partner. if sparkplay could ever be, like , coldly mechanical, i think he’d be into that. like a human reaching into their partner’s chest and touching their literal heart or something, just very surgical and precise and it’s clearly supposed to be metaphorical but it’s not for knock out, he’s just doing it to make you very uncomfortable with your own boner

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

anything you can do, i can do better
i can do anything better than you~

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

[insert joke here about how knock out is a fucking tool in and of himself] holy christ he has all of them. that device you never had a word for, that you’ve seen all of twice in the last million years? he has two of them, and which one he uses on you depends on whether you have an alt mode capable of flight. knock out has also done some weird shit to himself solo. what&rsqu o;s that thing you called them, like, nodes or something, that’s basically like biowire dick piercings? he did that to himself because it pressurized his spike or however you nerds say it

2x2verse: whatever letters you like for thundercracker, i have to hear more about this asshole

THUNDERCRACKER!!!! My new favorite darling, along with Starscream and Skywarp, so OH MAN i absolutely have to talk about this dork.

Quick aside: a ‘trine’ is a n ambiguously defined term in transformers canon. In the original cartoon, it meant ‘these three jet characters aren’t just cheap recolors of each other, they’re, uh, a matched set. yeah, that’s it.’ Fanon has gone on to define a trine as being a trio of fliers with varying degrees of sexual/romantic/platonic intimacy. It’s super flexible. Starscream you know. Skywarp was kind of a solve-problems-by-punching-them guy. And in the IDW comics at least, Thundercracker had a slow burn of m oral injuries, exhaustion, and growing dissatisfaction with how dishonorably the decepticons were conducting the war, eventually leading to him very publicly deserting (in IDW phase one), holing up in a war-damaged building on earth and doing nothing but mainlining human television shows for like… a year. Now he lives with his pet dog, Buster, and writes screenplays, and he’s so precious and good and I’m so proud of him for finding a creative, productive way to cope with his depression.

OKAY. This is going to be long, and mostly focused on trine dynamics and thundercracker/marissa (but also I’m so excited, because I have a trine fic that I NEEEEED to write, and this will help me feel out his character)

i just need to figure out how to differentiate the sex acts from the ver ity/prowl :T

prowl/verity was from lil v’s point of view, this one could be from thundercracker’s. because hoooooooly shit i want to crack him open and find his pulpy center and massage it with my hands now

Headcanon Game - A to Z (NSFW)




Hey guys! I thought I’d so something fun this weekend, so I did my best to sexualize the alphabet and turn it into a headcanon game!

So here’s how it works. You send me a character (or a few), and the corresponding letters that you want me to answer for them!

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)
B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)
D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)
F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)
G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)
H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)
I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 
J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)
K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)
L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)
M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)
N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)
P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)
Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)
R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)
S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)
T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)
W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)
X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)
Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)
Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

I’ll have this running all weekend, so feel free to drop by!

Give me some.

Let’s have some Friday night character fun, eh?





DirkJohn meet cute. Dirk is a hardcore anti-sjw with a tumblr blog, John is a MOGAI Straight Het Ally who has a three page long byf and only reblogs social justice. They clash and the entire site breaks. Their discourse is so widely known it gets its own Wikia site (Set up by Roxy) and KnowYourMeme page (Set up by Jade)

All the while, John is best friends with Dave, and only knows screen names. Dirk only knows John as Dave’s goofy best friend who comes around once in a while. 

They’re at dinner at Dave’s house one night when Dirk speaks up. “Nic-Cage-Fan-413 got on my ass again today.” and John just fucking tackles him.

This needs to be shown to every non-tumblr person you can find. Set that first paragraph up as the prime example of What Your Kids Are Doing That You Don’t Understand. That second sentence alone should win awards.

  • dirk and john level up to having these discussions in real life. john is extremely calm and smiling and dirk just gets angrier and angrier trying to make his point

  • eventually john lets slip that he’s dating someone and uses the pronoun ‘he’ and dirk jumps all over him, ‘YOU’RE GAY! YOU’RE FUCKING GAY! WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY YOU’RE GAY?’ and john’s just sitting there like, “whoa, calm down, especially with the bisexuality erasure, besides, karkat is liter ally the only exception to the rule, if lesbians can still be lesbians even if they’ve dated men, and gay men can still be gay even if they married women and had children, i think i can still define myself as het with my gay boyfriend. besides, technically i’m demisexual panromantic with a very strong preference for ladies and ladylike people but who gives a shit i’m functionally het because girls are the best amirite. but you date one gay guy…”

  • one night john comes over for family dinner with his nails painted because jade went a little crazy and wanted to try the blue sparkles and the green glow in the dark but didn’t want to choose, and dirk shrieks at this too, ‘JESUS! YOU’RE A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE GENDERQUEER, AREN’T YOU? YOU’RE SOME CAMAB DEMINAN0GIRL BUNSELF, RIGHT?’ and john’s still sitting there with that shit-eating grin, all “ i really don’t like the taste of these gender roles i think you need to put them back in the oven they’re kind of stale like centuries old”

  • two years ago john was posting nonstop about ferguson when it was going on. john posts selfies occasionally, and while he has piercing blue eyes he is Ambiguously Brown and not transparent about his race, not even in his three-page byf. he’s posted some of said selfies on days of #blackout and #asianinvasion and basically any other group’s selfie day, but never tagged them that way. dirk is White. like really White. this makes dirk hella uncomfortable because he always wants to ask ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ANYWAY’ but that’s rude, you can’t just ask people why they’re brown, dirk

  • dirk is gay and yells at john for defining himself as an ally to get away with dating a gay guy and for other assorted community cookies. john just shrugs and points out “they’ll run out of bricks before we run out of bodies.” and that’s when dirk realizes that john is serious about taking a brick for people, or a bullet, or a punch, and that john has never been without a safety pin on his clothes for the entirety of the time that dirk has known him, and that john is fucking six foot six and sculpted with a fucking hammer so he can Fight when it comes down to it, and that john is an actual advocate for social justice and not a sjw misappropriating the language to troll and abuse others. dirk has to sit the hell down and reevaluate his life choices and read over the wiki and the kym to figure out how it all went wrong. so many years of academy training, gone to waste

okay i just really find the idea of “defining himself as an ally to get away with dating a gay guy” as hilarious. “Stop appropriating homosexual cultural things, like dating someone of your own sex!”


  • karkat occasionally gets yelled at (on the internet, by weirdos) for taking his straight boyfriend to gay bars. never mind that the relationship is same-sex and his boyfriend is panro, get your straight boyfriend out of this safe space. the literal straight boyfriend, previously just a myth

  • john and his fucking sj blogging about mental health issues is the reason dirk gets prodded to go to a psychologist and get his depression and autism diagnosed. he never admits this to john, of course

  • john tries to explain the concept of polyamory to dirk. ‘this is some real sjw bullshit,’ says dirk, ‘also the etymology is totally wrong,’ and he accuses john of cheating on his boyfriend every time john flirts with him (partly to make dirk mad, partly because it’s just fun to flir t with people!). john’s sitting there like, “oh, i didn’t realize i was supposed to be mad when my boyfriend wants to spend time cuddling with his qpp.” ‘what the fuck is a qpp,’ says dirk, ‘this is yet more sjw bullshit, fucking incredible,’ and john’s just, “i can’t really explain it, they’re just like, bonded at the hip or something, gamzee came as part of a package deal” and shrugs

  • dirk starts getting real mad when he realizes polyamory is a thing because he’s been holding a torch for jake since before the sun ever rose on this planet and jake’s always dating other girls but what if jake was like john, ~secretly gay~ and just hiding it or something, and able to do a poly thing so he could actually love dirk back? he drops enough bitter hints about his crush on jake in online debates and rl conversations that even oblivious as fuck john starts to pick up on it, and even though dirk didn’t ask for advice it’s clear he’s hurting in his heart, so john’s like, uh, have you tried talking at him? y'know, using your words? like an adult?

  • dirk does the thing with jake and it doesn’t go well. even more humiliating is that dirk has to explain things to jake like john explained them to him, because jake has no idea about the vocabulary, or the possible romantic-sexual split, or anything like that. so dirk’s trying to explain this to him, and jake’s like, yes, girls. right? girls? they’re interesting enough i guess, old boy. dirk’s tearing his hair out and trying to explain that he might be like john, functionally straight but secretly panromantic, and jake has to admit that he doesn’t really do the whole gooey head over heels limerence in-love-with romance thing but it doesn’t matter because he still likes girls well enough, just as very good friends with whom he will occasio nally knock boots. dirk wasn’t convinced he had a heart to break until he practically heard it crack when jake stepped on it like that

  • dirk goes internet silent for like a week and he’s sullen at dinner and after the meal he and john are hanging out in dave’s living room and john’s like, ‘you did the thing, didn’t you. and it didn’t go very well, did it.’ and dirk’s actually fucking crying about this. because it hurts getting rejected, especially now that dirk’s worldview has expanded and he thought he could convince other people with the same kind of logic and intolerance for fallacies that comes with being a militant anti-sjw

  • john does mirroring body language stuff, and he’s indiscriminately physically affectionate, so he impulsively reaches out to hold dirk’s hand and just lets him cry because everybody’s been there and it sucks, man, gotta be a bro and help a bro out when he’s just got his heart broken. and once dirk’s blubbered everything out to john and been the most emotionally vulnerable he’s been in years, including with his psychologist, john just moves forward with that information and… doesn’t try to hurt dirk with it? which is incomprehensible to dirk, of course

  • at the end of this conversation they’ve definitely overstayed their welcome at dave’s and dirk impulsively invites john back to his place because it’s getting to be one in the morning and even dave has boundaries and dirk does not want even the potential to run into john’s boyfriend in john’s presence right now, it would sting too much. john goes along with it, ‘okay, sure.’ and on the way back they’re talking. and going up the elevator to dirk’s apartment they’re still talking. and once they close the door of the apartment behind them john does a thing where he leans forward and kisses dirk. kind of playfully but with some real intent behind it

  • dirk pulls back and he’s angry again, like, “what the fuck. i open up to you and you tease me about it. you’re a demiplatonic only-friends-with-people-you’re-friends-with literally-demi-moore asshole, i thought you remembered your own fucking made up orientation.” and john explains, ‘demisexual means that i only get really hot and bothered by people that i’m close to, that rule doesn’t mean i’m close with them romantically. dude, i’ve been arguing with you for three and a half fucking years on the internet, i know things about you your own parents never knew, and it kind of makes me want you a lot

  • dirk just got hardcore rejected by the kid he’s had a crush on since they were five, and john just told dirk he’s got a boner for him even though he might not love him but he thinks they’re super close and john trusts dirk with that, and dirk’s so messed up in the head right now. so he and john are kissing. like, hot and heavy. like, probably should go to the bedroom for this. and john’s the one to pull away. not because he doesn’t want, because oh my god does he want, but because this is a hella bad idea (and because dirk’s mouth still tastes a little snotty from crying and that’s gross dude, ew!). and the thing is? dirk’s like, too whirlwind of emotions to respond while john cools off with the kissing and gives him a goodbye peck before he leaves, but by the time john’s out of the building dirk realizes, ‘holy shit. he might actually care about me and my feelings. i can’t believe this’

  • dirk gets introduced to karkat, turns to john within the first five minutes, and says ‘i see where you got it from.’ karkat gets the next five minutes and he ’s like “so you’ve been arguing with this atrophied walnut for four years? you could have at least picked someone dumb” and that’s john’s clue that karkat actually might like dirk under his abrasive deliberately offensive persona, and thus was the most fragile polyamorous triangle forged

  • on some subsequent evening, dirk and john get to actual doodle wrangling, except when it comes time for john to wrangle dirk’s doodle he’s just looking at it and humming and saying stuff like, “uh, this is different.” dirk uses the moment as a gotcha, because he is an asshole, and he’s crowing ‘I KNEW IT. I JUST FUCKING KNEW IT. YOU’VE NEVER TOUCHED A DICK BESIDES YOUR OWN, HAVE YOU. FUCK. KARKAT CAN’T BE A TRANS DUDE, NO WAY, HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN HIM’ and john has to slow dirk’s roll and point out “i’m actually really offended that you think i might even potentially out my boyfriend to you as not-cis without his permission, and he’s cis anyway, it’s just that your dick looks weird and ours don’t” and that’s when they have to call karkat and ask him whether karkat’s allowed to touch a foreskin even though he’s jewish


audio transcript :

I sound like Satan this morning and I think it’s because I have a cold, but this is how I woke up. Sorry. Literally Karkat Vantas. Sorry I just woke up like this.

well this is embarrassing

we have a lot of tiny potatoes


what is the most delicious thing to do with them?

  1. quarter
  2. toss with olive oil
  3. put into baking dish
  4. sprinkle with rosemary & other herbs of choice
  5. oven on temperature for time
  6. the best roasted popato
  7. < /ol>



DirkJohn meet cute. Dirk is a hardcore anti-sjw with a tumblr blog, John is a MOGAI Straight Het Ally who has a three page long byf and only reblogs social justice. They clash and the entire site breaks. Their discourse is so widely known it gets its own Wikia site (Set up by Roxy) and KnowYourMeme page (Set up by Jade)

All the while, John is best friends with Dave, and only knows screen names. Dirk only knows John as Dave’s goofy best friend who comes around once in a while. 

They’re at dinner at Dave’s house one night when Dirk speaks up. “Nic-Cage-Fan-413 got on my ass again today.” and John just fucking tackles him.

This needs to be shown to every non-tumblr person you can find. Set that first paragr aph up as the prime example of What Your Kids Are Doing That You Don’t Unde rstand. That second sentence alone should win awards.